The desire to have a baby is primal for many people. We want it. It’s natural. We were promised that it was easy. Fall in love. Have sex once. Get pregnant. Have a baby. But for more than 7.3 million people in the United States, be they straight, gay, or single, it is not easy and we have to think about other possibilities. One beautiful client told me, “It is getting harder to get ourselves to the start line. The band is kind of playing.”
Sometimes we hate it that we have to think about doing something that we said we would never to. And sometimes we have to do it—or choose to do it—if we want to fulfill the dream of having a family and being a parent. I understand that these are forced choices. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the infertility finish line keeps moving. Maybe you have been surprised by that. Each time we do something new, we have hope again. Until that isn’t working. The more time we keep trying, the more perspective changes and new possibilities arise.
Most people have a Plan B somewhere in mind, but, another client told me, “You don’t talk about it until you’re there.” You may decide in advance that you know when the race is over.
Ah, the things we said we would never do.
We will never do anything except for intercourse. That’s it.
Except we did that for a long time, and nothing happened.
We said we would never talk with a fertility clinic.
Except our OB/GYN said that there was nothing more she could do to help.
We said that we would never go to a fertility clinic.
Except we made an appointment, because maybe we could figure out why we couldn’t get pregnant.
We said that we would never take medication.
Except we did because we wanted to have a child.
We said that we would never do inseminations.
Except we did some cycles because our insurance covered it.
We said that we would never, never do IVF.
Except nothing else was working. Maybe IVF could help us have a baby.
We said that we would only do one cycle of IVF. That’s it. Really.
Except we found a cost warranty program where we could come home with a baby or money back. So we could do more than one cycle of IVF. If we had to.
We said that we would never, never, never use donor sperm or donor eggs. Never.
Except we thought about it for a long time and we found that we could. Because we really, really want to be parents.
We said that we would never do surrogacy or look to adoption. No way.
Except that we decided to consider both options. Many people do it and raise a family. Maybe we can do that.
And then Covid-19 happened and it forced us to think about everything and slow down our progress. We can still move forward.
We thought that we had a destination, but it moved. We still have a destination. It’s a question now of how to get there. To be a parent…or to live without children.
There are many good and right answers. Be open. Be flexible. Be true to yourself. You will find your way.